We often think of fighting in a relationship as a red flag. Many couples come into therapy saying “We never fight” as if this is proof of their health. On the other side, couples who fight too much know their struggle is obvious. The truth is, both extremes—fighting all the time or hardly ever fighting at all—signal trouble.
Conflict is not the enemy of love. In fact, handled well, it is the engine of growth, intimacy, and repair.
Why Too Little Fighting Is a Problem
Avoidance of Conflict: When partners avoid difficult conversations, issues go underground. Resentments build quietly, and intimacy erodes because partners are not being fully real with each other.
Loss of Authenticity: Terry Real, founder of Relational Life Therapy, argues that “connection without truth isn’t real intimacy.” If couples sacrifice truth for peace, the relationship becomes polite but shallow.
Pseudo-Harmony: John and Julie Gottman’s research shows that stonewalling and emotional disengagement predict divorce just as much as criticism or contempt. Silence can be as corrosive as shouting.
Why Too Much Fighting Is a Problem
Erosion of Safety: Couples who are locked in cycles of blame, criticism, and contempt (the Gottmans’ “Four Horsemen”) feel unsafe to be vulnerable.
Developmental Arrest: Couples in constant battle never move beyond power struggles into deeper collaboration.
Chronic Dysregulation: Without skills for repair, fights spiral, trust is broken, and emotional safety is lost.
The Developmental Model of Relationships
Dr. Ellyn Bader and Dr. Peter Pearson’s Developmental Model maps the stages couples go through:
1. Symbiosis: The honeymoon phase of merging and togetherness. Conflict is often minimized.
2. Differentiation: Differences emerge, and conflict becomes unavoidable. Couples who avoid conflict here get stuck.
3. Exploration: Partners balance individuality with connection, testing boundaries.
4. Reconnection: Intimacy deepens as partners learn repair skills.
5. Synergy: A mature phase of interdependence where authenticity and closeness coexist.
If a couple avoids fighting, they often get stuck between symbiosis and differentiation—never learning how to tolerate difference. If they fight too much, they get stuck in differentiation without moving toward reconnection.
Stages of Relationship Growth
Other frameworks echo this progression:
Erik Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development highlight that adults must balance intimacy vs. isolation. Too much fighting pushes partners into isolation, while too little fighting can leave intimacy undeveloped.
Attachment theory reminds us that secure couples can both express needs and tolerate disagreements. Avoidant or anxious partners may struggle at either end of the spectrum.
Healthy Fighting: The Sweet Spot
The healthiest couples:
Express differences openly and respectfully.
Take responsibility for their part.
Know how to repair after rupture.
Balance truth and love—what Terry Real calls “fierce intimacy.”
Conflict, when navigated with skill, becomes a doorway to deeper understanding, healing of old wounds, and stronger bonds.
Final Thought
Whether you and your partner fight too much or too little, the core question is the same: Can we stay connected while being honest about our differences?
As Terry Real says, “There is no intimacy without truth, and no truth without conflict.” The goal is not to eliminate fighting—it’s to fight in ways that move you toward growth, rather than away from each other.
References
Real, T. (2002). How Can I Get Through to You? Scribner.
Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2015). 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy. Norton.
Bader, E., & Pearson, P. (1988). In Quest of the Mythical Mate: A Developmental Approach to Diagnosis and Treatment in Couples Therapy. Brunner/Mazel.
Erikson, E. H. (1982). The Life Cycle Completed. Norton.
A Way Forward
I work with couples who find themselves stuck in these cycles—either avoiding conflict altogether or fighting without resolution. Both patterns are painful, but both can be healed with the right tools, perspective, and support. If you and your partner recognize yourselves here, I’d be glad to help you learn how to fight better—with honesty, safety, and repair at the center.
👉 Book a Session