Human beings are wired for connection. From the moment we are born, our survival depends on being in relationship with others. As adults, the need for closeness doesn’t disappear—it deepens. Relationships shape our sense of belonging, identity, and self-worth. They can bring tremendous joy, but they also bring challenges. So why do we seek them out, even when they’re hard?
The Importance of Relationships
Relationships give us a sense of home in the world. When we feel seen and valued by another person, our nervous system relaxes, our health improves, and our resilience grows. Research has shown that close social bonds predict longer lifespans and greater health outcomes, even more than diet or exercise alone (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2010).
From intimate partnerships to friendships and family ties, these connections anchor us in a world that often feels overwhelming. They remind us that we are not alone in our struggles and joys. As Brené Brown (2010) famously noted, connection is “why we’re here—it gives purpose and meaning to our lives.”
Why We Want Them—Even When They Hurt
If relationships can be difficult, why do we still long for them? Psychology helps us understand:
Attachment Needs: According to John Bowlby (1969/1982), our earliest bonds with caregivers form an “attachment system” that drives us to seek closeness for safety. Whether we develop secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment styles (Ainsworth et al., 1978), we are still biologically wired to reach for others. Even when intimacy feels risky, we crave it.
Erik Erikson’s Developmental Stages: Erikson (1950, 1982) described the central task of young adulthood as intimacy vs. isolation. To avoid intimacy often leads to loneliness and despair. To risk closeness opens the possibility of love, generativity, and meaning.
Identity and Growth: Relationships act as mirrors. Through them, we discover who we are, what we value, and where we need healing. Even conflict has value—it can push us toward growth, new perspectives, and deeper authenticity (Johnson, 2008).
The Paradox of Love
The truth is that love is both our deepest comfort and our greatest risk. We long for closeness, but intimacy requires vulnerability. To be loved is to be known—and being known can feel terrifying. Many of us enter relationships carrying childhood wounds, unmet needs, or fears of abandonment. This makes love both magnetic and complicated.
Emotionally Focused Therapy research shows that couples who risk vulnerability, even in conflict, create stronger and more secure bonds (Johnson, 2008). The paradox is that the very moments of rupture—if handled with care—can lead to deeper connection.
Choosing Growth Over Perfection
Healthy relationships are not about avoiding conflict. They are about navigating it with compassion and honesty. Sue Johnson (2013) notes that the strongest couples are not those without challenges, but those who use conflict as an opportunity to deepen trust.
Similarly, Esther Perel (2017) emphasizes that modern relationships must balance the tension between safety and desire, security and freedom. This balancing act is never easy, but it is often what keeps relationships alive and dynamic.
Final Thought
We seek relationships not because they are easy, but because they are essential. To love and be loved is at the heart of what it means to be human. The journey of connection—imperfect, beautiful, and often difficult—is where much of life’s meaning is found.
References
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.
Bowlby, J. (1969/1982). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.
Brown, B. (2010). The power of vulnerability [TEDxHouston].
Erikson, E. H. (1950). Childhood and society. New York: W.W. Norton.
Erikson, E. H. (1982). The life cycle completed. New York: W.W. Norton.
Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLoS Medicine, 7(7), e1000316.
Johnson, S. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. New York: Little, Brown.
Johnson, S. (2013). Love sense: The revolutionary new science of romantic relationships. New York: Little, Brown.
Perel, E. (2017). The state of affairs: Rethinking infidelity. New York: HarperCollins.
A Way Forward
If you are struggling in your relationship—whether with a partner, family member, or even yourself—therapy can help. Working with a skilled therapist creates a safe space to explore your patterns, heal old wounds, and build stronger, healthier connections.
👉 If you’re ready to begin that journey, you can book a session.